Psychology of Forgiveness
Forgiveness is a beautiful yet challenging command for all Christians. We bask in the forgiveness that Christ gave us; on the agreement that we forgive those who offend, sin, and trespass against us.
While it is very easy to passively forgive an offender, with a simple ‘I forgive you’, the challenge comes when you are reminded of their offense every time you see them. Or when you find it hard to get rid of that negative memory. Sometimes these recurring memories and feelings make you question whether you have really forgiven them or not.
Thankfully, the command is to forgive and not to forget, because it is virtually impossible to forget certain experiences whether good or bad.
Yet, how gracious is Our Father God: "For I will forgive their wickedness and will remember their sins no more." - Jeremiah 31:34.
Psalm 103:12 says, “As far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us”. God separates the offense from the offender. But on a human level, this may seem impossible because we may remember what someone did to hurt us for as long as we live. Though, this is not always a sign of unforgiveness; it can simply be that the offense is the most salient memory you have with that individual.
Jeremiah 31:34 - “And they shall reach no more every man his neighbor, and every man his brother, saying, Know the Lord: for they shall all know me, from the least of them unto the greatest of them, saith the Lord: for I Will forgive their iniquity, and I will remember their sin no more.”
The psychology of memory can explain why ‘forgiving and forgetting’ is rarely the case! Our memories are so powerful and a single experience can become entrenched in our long-term memory to the point that it becomes a cue for future expectations.
We do not have a giant USB in our brains. God designed us with such precision that even our memories leave biological footprints in our brains. Repeated experiences exist in our long-term memory due to the neural connections in our brain, and these experiences become strengthened after each one. This is likened to a dirt path which is formed by constant footsteps. For example, someone who has suffered from abuse on one occasion will have that memory of abuse strengthened or reinforced if they were to experience it again on another occasion. You can’t physically go into your brain and rewire the neural connections that have strengthened those memories over time.
That we‘ve forgiven doesn’t mean we’ve forgotten. That we’ve forgiven doesn’t mean that we can forget because in the short paragraph above, we have learned that our memories are both biological and psychological.
So what do we do when we have forgiven but we still remember?
A true sign of forgiveness is even when you remember their faults and offenses, you say in your heart and to your mind, ‘God’s grace is bigger than what you did to me and how you made me feel’. Forgiveness is you relating to someone according to their God-given identity. Forgiveness refuses to reduce people to their mistakes, shortcomings that hide their true identity and worth. Forgiveness is a weighty call to choose honor above vengeance.
While it would be nice to have a ‘sea of forgetfulness’ for all our negative experiences, what we can do is make a conscious effort to decide how we respond to our memories and to be intentional about forming new memories where possible. Creating new memories will do two things: it will weaken the existing neural connections in your brain from the negative experience that you had and form new neural connections for the positive experiences that you will intentionally create.
God models this formation of new memories so well. He forgives completely and He doesn’t stay angry forever. He has compassion on us ‘again’ and again. (Micah 7:18-19). It doesn’t say that Our God is never angry. God’s anger is the reverse side of his love. David often speaks of the awesome presence of God: “The earth trembled and quaked, and the foundations of the mountains shook… out of the brightness of his presence… The Lord thundered from heaven; the voice of the most high resounded.” - Psalm 18: 7, 12-13
In this psalm we see both the power and the anger of the transcendent God: “they trembled because he was angry” God’s anger. Though never malicious, is his personal reaction against sin. The same reaction that we have to those that trespass against us.
We can take comfort in the fact that our emotional response to offense and hurt is normal, yet, because of this newness in Christ, our right to ‘remain’ offended dissipates. Just like our God will again have compassion on us, we too will again have compassion on others.
Hebrews 10:17-18 - “And their sins and iniquities will I remember no more. Now where remission of these is, there is no more offering for sin.”
Forgiveness requires us to surrender ourselves, our pride, and our right to be offended.
In order for us to narrow the gap between our present self and our ideal self, we need to engage in ‘unconditional positive regard. What this means is that our regard for ourselves and for others should always be positive, even in the absence of ‘conditions’.
In other words, people do not have to do anything in order to receive positive regard from you. Now, this may sound bizarre. However, this is exactly what Christ implores us to do; “to love each other as we love ourselves”; to receive forgiveness whilst offering forgiveness, even without an apology; to extend grace without any condition.
Hearing ‘I’m sorry’, ‘I messed up’, ‘I feel terrible for what I did’ is like music to our ears. It feels good when someone acknowledges their wrongdoing towards you and oftentimes it makes it much easier to forgive them. But what if they never apologize. The reality is that some people will never apologize for their wrongdoing towards you, and waiting on them to apologize before you forgive will cost you your mental freedom. This is why we must LEARN TO FORGIVE, EVEN WITHOUT AN APOLOGY.
It doesn’t make sense to forgive those who have no remorse. It defies our childlike understanding of basic manners—the staple of every conversation, yes, no, thank you, please, and sorry.
Only people who are really striving to look and live more like God’s word concerning forgiveness are able to rise to the challenge of forgiveness. Forgiveness is not a fleshly activity; it is spiritual, but we often forgive, expecting a fleshly response and so we become disheartened because the act of forgiving someone has not appeased our flesh.
As Christians, one of the core elements of our relationship with God is forgiveness. We would have no relationship with God if He did not reach out and forgive us, even in our sin. We would not have a relationship with Him if Christ—the Son of God—chose to wait for an apology from us before dying for our sins on the cross. God did not wait for an apology before forgiving us. ‘...While we were STILL SINNERS, Christ died for us’ (Romans 5:8). The Lord’s Prayer includes, ‘Forgive us our trespasses AS WE forgive those that have trespassed against us’ …not those who have apologized to us.
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Matthew 6:9-15
After this manner, therefore, pray ye:
Our Father which art in heaven, Hallowed be thy name.
Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done, as it is in heaven.
Give us this day our daily bread.
And forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us
And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil: For thine is the kingdom, and the power, and the glory, forever and ever. Amen.
For if ye forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you:
But if ye forgive not men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.
Forgiveness does not excuse the offending behavior. Forgiveness excuses the offender. The fact that God forgives us of sin, does not make sinning okay. The fact that we forgive someone of their sin towards us, does not make the sin okay.
When we forgive, we are saying to that person, you are bigger and better than what you did against me. I choose to see you over the sin. In the same way, God’s forgiveness reaffirms our true new identity in Him. He sees us and not the sin.
We will wrestle with forgiveness on many occasions and we will certainly have moments where we crave an apology, or when memory of the offense brings back feelings of anger, bitterness, and a desire for vengeance. I encourage you to engage in an element of cognitive-behavioral therapy that is synonymous with the scripture in 2 Corinthians 10:5; taking thoughts captive.
Let me explain what that is, Christian cognitive behavioral therapy acknowledges the activating event (the offense), the behavioral response (the anger), and the consequences (prolonged bitterness and negative thoughts). Yet as believers we dispute these negative thoughts far beyond how conventional psychology says we should. We don’t simply dispute by asking whether it is logical, practical, or evidence-driven to think this way. Christian cognitive behavioral therapy compels us to take captive (known as ‘thought catching') these negative thoughts and memories that do not align with the truth of God’s word and bring them to the obedience of Christ.
We dispute the unforgiving way of thinking, do not ask ‘what would Jesus do?’, but ask ‘what has Jesus already done?!’
When we remember the redemptive, merciful act of Christ, we can challenge these negative thoughts by asking, is it biblical to think this way? Is it merciful to think this way? If our answer is ’no’ to both questions, we can ask the Lord to grant us the strength to extend the grace of forgiveness over judgment.
Forgiveness is unbearable when you try and do it from your flesh. Forgiveness is biblical when you do it from God’s mercy.
Forgiveness is hard when you expect an apology. Forgiveness is Christ-like when you extend grace.
If you’ve forgiven someone, but the hurtful memories are still there:
Your brain is literally functioning as normal, and the command to forgive is abnormal to the flesh, but it is still doable by His grace and Christ’s ultimate example of forgiveness.
“Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.” - Ephesians (e fee shans) 4:32.
Mercy is the withholding of the punishment that someone deserves. As we have received mercy, we are to be merciful.